Hello to all my loyal readers…I have decided to switch where my blog is hosted at…please take the time to go to our new site and re-subscribe so that we can keep our following. I love sharing our story with all of you, and hope you will continue to follow as God continues to “fill this nest.”
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Love to you all!
Meg
Open Adoption Roundtable #34
Check out www.productionnotreproduction.com for other answers.
This roundtable prompt comes from a first mom in an open adoption who no longer blogs but wanted to hear what others had to say on the topic.
She was thinking about her reasons for placing her daughter and how she handles sharing (or not) that information with the people in her life. She realized that her daughter’s adoptive parents were often asked that same question by people (i.e. why she chose to place) and she wondered how they answered. This started her thinking about how others handle that choice of what to share and whom to share it with, especially when they are asked to speak on behalf of another party in their open adoptions.
It is likely that we’ve all had that experience at some time: someone asking us to speak to the choices or feelings of others in our adoption constellation. Perhaps it is someone asking a first parent how their child feels about being in an open adoption. Or someone asking an adoptee why their adoptive parents chose to adopt. You get the idea.
How do you handle such questions when they are asked of you? How would you want the other parties in your open adoption to handle those questions when they are about you?
My response:
Honestly, this is something I have been struggling with…I want to make baby E a book (like on snapfish or mixbook) that is a storybook of his adoption. I know how to phrase all the parts from our side, but every time I start to write about his first mother in the story in toddler language, she either ends up sounding like a rent-a-uterus or “poor poor pitiful birthmother.” Neither of which I think are true AT ALL. She is her own person, who loves E, who has hopes and dreams and does not want pitied, in my opinion. The truth is though, I only know the reasons she wrote on paper for making an adoption plan for E. She lacks resources, stability, and income. She wishes her circumstances were different but they are not. She states that she feels she made the right choice in placing E with us, and she appears to be “healing” in whatever capacity someone heals from something like placing their child. Putting all this in kids’ language, though, for a storybook, is a little tricky…opinions (helpful, not harsh) would be appreciated! I am fumbling through this, doing the best I can because I love my baby, and want to share his story lovingly and openly.
When others ask us questions about E’s first mom’s reasons for placement, I try to be somewhat vague and respectful. I don’t necessarily want to speak for her, but most of the people asking will never meet her. I usually refer to her feelings of wanting to give him opportunities, and wanting him to grow up in different circumstances. I am not sure how she would feel about that. I don’t give details about her life or the specific circumstances, that’s not really my place. E’s first mom is quiet and a little shy, so to be honest I am not sure how she would phrase it if asked outright. I haven’t asked her outright…what I have picked up is from some small comments, from her agency paperwork, and from my own “guessing” based on this. Am I scared to ask her? A little. I don’t know why.
When E is older, people might ask him why his first mom placed him for adoption. I want him to be able to answer, if he chooses to answer, with confidence. I want him to be able to answer because she shared her heart with him, not because of my deductions and some quiet comments. I am not sure if she will do this, but I truly hope so. I want E to be secure in himself, and know that he was placed out of love, and adopted out of love, and there is just love love love all around, even though there is hard stuff, too.
If his first mom was asked about why we chose to adopt, I think she would know how to answer. We were very open about that with her. Adoption had ALWAYS been on our hearts, in addition to biological children. When faced with the decision to pursue infertility treatment or adoption, we chose to adopt. That was in our initial family profile, and talked about at our first meeting. I hope she would tell people how much we love E, and how we show her love, too.
Open adoption is new to us, three months in…I have more questions than answers regarding this prompt, and can’t wait to read the other answers! We are just asking for God’s guidance, muddling through. I am sure we will mess up and put our foot in our mouth many times in this process, but that’s okay. Our hearts are in the right place…
In Him,
Meg
This weekend, we had our first visit with H since the revocation period was up in December. Our visit during the period when she could change her mind was rough for me, and although I enjoyed seeing her, I was not able to relax much. Today, we had brunch at a restaurant halfway between our two houses. Our social worker ended up not being able to come because the weather south where she lives was a lot more icy than up here. While I was a little anxious at first about not having an agency staff there to guide the conversations, it ended up not being an issue at all…I don’t think there was a second of silence at our table for over two hours. My mother came, and H’s grandmother D (who raised her) also came. I knew they would get along when I first met D, because she reminded me in many ways of my mom. I was right, they had a lot to talk about.
I was nervous beforehand that it would be hard for H to see the baby, and selfishly worried that it would be hard for me to see her upset. I was worried I would feel less like his mom after seeing her. I was worried that it would be awkward, that she would be regretful, a million worries. None of them were founded. God’s hand has been in this situation from day one, and He was protective and present in our conversations today…
Her eyes lit up at seeing him- I knew they would, he is so stinking cute it’s hard not to. I know she loves him. I knew that, but really was able to see it today. I said to my mom and husband on the drive up that she “loves him as much as we do.” We debated about that, and they disagreed, but I stand by my statement. She loves him that much, but in a different way. We have the bond and the attachment, but we all three think he is the best and cutest baby that ever existed 
(None of us have other kids yet, of course!) She enjoyed pointing out the genetic matches between them, like eye color (we found out hers are green and birth dad’s are blue, so the blue is probably here to stay!)…I enjoyed finding out that she was also a thumb sucker who rubbed her grandma’s neck to fall asleep…E does this to me, isn’t that cute? We are still the ones that he will run to when he is sad, the ones that will be there for the middle of the night cuddles, and the ones that he will think of as his “parents.” Nothing can replace that, and when he got upset/over-tired today he still needed me to comfort him. But H, just like us, infinitely cares about his well-being and happiness. She is as mesmerized by his smiles and coos, and enjoyed holding his little hands and staring into his face. Her grandmother was equally captivated by him, and told him many times that she loved him. They gave him some really nice Christmas gifts, including a beautiful (I mean BEAUTIFUL, some of the best skill I have seen) crocheted blanket that H made for him. It is big enough for his toddler bed someday, which I like cause he has a lot of baby-sized blankets. We talked about future visits, fun things we can do like going to a local lake, going to see the Easter bunny at a local family festival this spring, things like that. We ended up on a conversation about child abuse and abandonment after her grandmother brought up a recent story that was on the news. This was where H was able to express in her quiet way that adoption was the choice she wanted for Eli, and it was apparent that she is healing and at peace with it. The goodbye was not teary, it was a hopeful, “See you soon!” Our PACA (Post Adoption Contact Agreement) is “three visits per year,” and I am not sure if that will be all she/us will want, or if it will evolve into a more relaxed type of thing like Christmas, summer, birthday, Easter- I am flexible to seeing what the future holds, and seeing how E reacts to visits. I think if we are positive and excited about visits, he will be too. If we act like its a chore, he will also feel resentful. I am grateful for the close proximity we live to each other, so that it is an easy Saturday afternoon and not a huge production involving travel to another state. We left by 10 and were home by 2:30…I think when he is bigger we will probably visit longer, when he can actually “play.”
For those of you still waiting, those of you considering adoption, and for those of our family and friends who still aren’t sure how open adoption works, I encourage you. I encourage you that it doesn’t have to be scary, it doesn’t have to be stiff or structured or feel like a burden. I thought it would feel all those things…and it doesn’t. I feel as much like his mom as I did yesterday, perhaps even more so after hearing H call me his mom. Him nuzzling my neck and snuggling in for a good nap warms my heart, and he still feels “ours.” God brought him to us, brought our lives together, and open adoption doesn’t negate or lessen any of that. Seeing that she is smiling and animated has relieved some of the huge burden on me that my happiness came at the cost of her devastation. I see now that was a misconception on my part. I know that the future is always unclear, but I hope today is a foreshadowing of a good strong relationship to come. I left brunch today feeling like I had a good afternoon chatting with a new friend, yet a friend I had a history with. I knew we had one thing in common- baby E- but it was fun to find out other things we have in common, too. (Such as Josh and her both desiring for E to go to Harry Potter World…I will give it a shot, I guess!) We also were able to get some pictures for E’s baby book, and H even talked about giving us a sonogram picture so we can show him that! I never thought in adoption we would even get to see such a thing!
As we look towards tomorrow, which has been designated as a day to treasure the Sanctity of Human Life ( Click Here to read about ) I am thankful for H’s choice for life. When faced with an unplanned pregnancy, none of the three options are easy, and I am not suggesting that any is an “easy” way out…ending the pregnancy, parenting, or placing the child for adoption all have their pain and struggles. I just think that if more people can see how well it can work out, adoption wouldn’t be such a scary option… If you consider yourself in favor of life, consider ways you can support it. Pregnancy counseling, adoption, fostering, supporting those in our community who find themselves facing an unplanned pregnancy. There are many different ways we can support the sanctity of life… I do believe though that Jesus would have been more likely to support it through relationships than through bombing abortion clinics. I am not attempting to be political in this, as I am a person who understands very little about politics. This is just my heart…Giving women the option to see their children again after adoption seems scary at first, but I think God’s hand is in it, if we are willing to be open to Him.
Looking forward to our next visit around Easter time! I thank you all for your continued prayers and support, even those who don’t understand our decision to have an open adoption. In time, I hope everyone is able to see the benefit of it.
In Him,
Meg
Yesterday we had a shower for baby E. It was amazing, and wonderful, and I will write about it in more detail soon. What I did want to quickly post is about a great cause. In lieu of favors, because who needs another little candle or bag of candy after eating cake, we decided to continue supporting the cause of caring for orphans and widows in their distress ( James 1:27) we decided to purchase formula for an orphaned infant in Zambia for 6 months. Our adoption agency sponsors this cause, and every little bit helps. Please check it out!
Bethany Christian Services Gift Catalog
Enjoy!
In Him,
Meg
This is one of the questions we hear repeatedly when people ask us E’s “story,” as they put it. Those close to us and our church family know that we chose open adoption, that we were not sure at first but God opened our eyes to it. Open adoption is somewhat common in our church family, and shows like “16 and Pregnant” have given some people a knowledge of it that wasn’t around even a couple years ago. We don’t mind questions, and while E looks surprisingly like my husband, we also never pass up an opportunity to share his amazing story with others. It is an opportunity to share about God’s good work in our lives.
Often, though, more often than I expected, people ask if we are doing an open adoption with disdain in their voice. This surprised me, I am not sure why, but it it did. When I share that yes, we do have an open adoption, questions continue to come. Questions such as (I am not joking):
* Is she a hooker?
*She’s a drug addict, right? Is E addicted to drugs?
*Did the courts make her give him to you?
*Is she like 14 years old?
*Wow, I could never give up my kid. What kind of person gives up their kid?
*Aren’t you scared when you have a visit she will see E and love him?
*Well, hopefully she will lose interest in him at some point.
Now, some I know are legitimate curiosities, while perhaps not a casual acquaintance’s business. I would never ask these types of questions, even of an adoptive family, unless we were perhaps in a deep and private discussion about the stories of our adoptions. And I would still not ask them so insensitively. And I want to answer, even when it is not their business. I usually restrain myself, not because I am scared of the answers, but because E’s story is HIS story. Some parts I don’t mind sharing, and there is not anything really big or scary about his story. Still, its his story. In general, though, my answers are:
*People get pregnant who are not hookers. Hookers are not the only women having sex, believe it or not.
*Not all babies placed for adoption are born addicted to drugs. No, E was not born addicted. It wouldn’t have mattered to us if he was, but he was not.
*Most birth moms in private adoptions make the decision of their own free will after months of counseling (at least at our agency- their pregnancy counseling was a huge part of our decision to go with them.) Sometimes the court might be involved. We have friends whose child’s birth mother chose to make an open adoption plan rather than having the county remove the child from her at birth. I would say this is rarely the case, though, unless you are specifically adoption from the foster care system.
*While I understand why this is commonly asked, most birth mothers are not 14 years old. “16 and Pregnant” has contributed to this thought, I believe. Funny, though, “14″ is the age I am asked about most frequently! Age is not the only reason someone makes an adoption plan. In fact, most birth mothers are not teenagers. Statistically, the majority of women placing their children for adoption are over 18. Most are single, but 6% are married and cannot handle the financial strain of additional children. In a relationship or not, many birth mothers are already parenting a child when they place their baby- the second or third child is something their financial/life situation cannot handle.
*You could never give up your kid? Fantastic. You should thank God every day your life circumstances never put you in the place where you had to consider it. I understand it is not a decision everyone could make. It is not an “easy fix.” I am not even sure I could have made it in, if the shoe was on the other foot. Yet SO MANY things go into the decision. I have an extremely supportive family with more than adequate financial resources. I am sure that would have made a difference. I am college-educated and employed, so even if single, would have had more resources at my fingertips. And as to “What kind of person” “gives up” their kid, I can assure that a very selfless person makes a decision to place their child in a carefully chosen adoptive family. E’s birth mother made it very clear that she wished her circumstances were different so that she could parent him, but they were not. So she chose difference circumstances for E. Parenting starts from conception, parenting involves putting your child’s needs ahead of your own. If you are a mother, you understand this. Even on a simple level, you will forget to eat or pee all day when caring for a fussy or sick infant. Your needs get pushed aside. Imagine this on a larger scale- if you could not provide for your child, you put your wants and needs (to see them every day) aside, and think about theirs. In a culture where “The Morning After Pill” is passed around like candy and abortions are very common and accessible, the “kind of person” who places their child for adoption is the kind of person who recognizes he or she is not ready to parent, but that her child deserves a life anyways.
*”Aren’t you scared she will love him?” This one actually makes me laugh. Trust me, she loves him. From her words in the delivery room to the way she held him the day before she signed consents, I have never doubted that she loves E. So no, I am not scared that she will love him. She does. Can I assure that she will always continue to be a part of his life? No, because I don’t know what the future holds. We hope she continues to want visits and contact, because we think it is good for E and because we care about her. I can’t guarantee that it won’t become too hard for her at one point, or that life circumstances or distance won’t change things. But I can guarantee that she loves her child, she loves him very much. Furthermore, why would it scare me that she loves him? I am grateful she does. Otherwise, he would be another abortion statistic thrown around in the current political races. Just because someone isn’t able to parent their child doesn’t take away the love for their child.
*In our minds, hopefully she doesn’t lose interest. If life gets in the way, as I said above, we will understand. From our side, we will always make our best effort to continue to have her in E’s life.
I know that we have family and friends that are scared or concerned, or even just unsure of what is unknown- that scary phrase “open adoption.” I can tell you that God slowly opened our hearts to realize that when it comes to loving kids- the more, the merrier! I know there might be bumps along the way, but I also know God’s hand is in it. Everything He knit together to bring us into E’s life, it was not by accident. My hope is that our open adoption gets stronger and more solid as the years go on, the reality is that H will really set the pace for that. What we can do is be available. I am not scared that E will be confused. Trust me, he knows who his mommy is. Ask anyone who has seen his eyes fly open from a deep sleep the second he hears my voice, and seen that smile crack his face. I’m his mommy…he’s not confused about that. And this mommy will be there to answer his questions about why his other mommy made an adoption plan for him.
Speaking of which, mommyhood is everything I imagined and more…I love this little guy so much! E is starting to do so many things. Smile and laugh, interact, develop little habits. I love the way he needs to rub his nose on my chest to fall asleep. I love that he cries when he wakes up until he sees me. I love our nights at home, just the three of us, laughing at silly things. E really laughs at random things- the dog, his own digestive noises, our faces. I am having a hard time with the though of going back to work full-time in a couple of weeks, but I do think we will all adjust. I trust God with that- either we will adjust or things will change for us financially, we will see.
We had a rough weekend when E had a bad reaction to a change in formula brand- nothing serious, just skin rash, vomiting, and refusing to eat. After talking to the on-call doctor, we are back to the original brand and will talk with the pediatrician about maybe some other options that are not Gerber- since that’s the one he couldn’t tolerate. He is back to normal after going back on the Enfamil. It could have been something as simple as an additive or something in the formula, since nutritionally they are the same. We are plowing ahead with the cloth diapering- I would say we are about 50/50 right now- the formula change led to some messy diapers, so we are in disposables right now. If we could even get to 75/25, I would be happy.
Thanks for your continued prayers and support! The little dude is calling my name right now, I think its time for a bottle
In Him,
Meg
Bet you thought I had abandoned this project here, huh? No, we have actually been very busy with our newborn son born at the end of October I waited to post the whole story until now, until after our 30 days of legal risk (the period where the birth parents can revoke the consents for relinquishment they signed) was over. I have been keeping this post, updating it, for weeks now….some of it is pure stream of consciousness, unedited, and raw…some of it might not make sense, and some of it might not even be how I think or feel now. But here is the story of how our son landed himself here in our arms, brace yourself it’s not short!
From the very beginning…
2 hours after The Call
Its now a craving, immediately when a feeling hits, I need to write about it. I am sure I will not post this, after I write it, maybe not for months and months. Because while every fiber in my being is telling me not to get my hopes up, they are.
She picked us. Today. H, who had been preparing to look at profile books for several weeks now, picked us. She “fell in love with everything about us” according to our social worker.
My first thought when I saw the exchange on the phone number pop up on my phone was “This is the church, calling to ask me to do something.” We had gotten several emails the last few days about different volunteer things, and I had been avoiding them because of the constant “what if” we get a baby. When I answered, and it was our social worker, I still didn’t believe it was “the call.” I mean who gets “the call” after six weeks of waiting, with the first mom who looks at their book. But it was. Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh.
These are the thoughts that ran through my head, in this order.
So she is due in five weeks. Oh, my, goodness, our spare room is a disaster bomb of sandpaper, spackle, baby furniture, and my clothing. Next immediate thought: We will never get our room ready, and she will somehow know this, and not give us the baby.
So in two weeks we are driving an hour to a Cracker Barrel for lunch. That seems so surreal, for a Cracker Barrel to be the place where we meet the mother of who might be our child. I don’t even like Cracker Barrel that much.
Oh yeah, its a boy. A healthy white boy. Nothing that we were prepared for, or rather I should say we were prepared for every other scenario but this. Still I see God’s hand in this- in matching us with THESE birth parents, in their story, in why we are in each other’s lives. And that God knows specifically what He is calling us to, and He laughs when we make our “plans.” I still fully believe that there is a reason we learned about and read all of those transracial adoption books, a reason we were challenged with how homogenous our world was. And just because this baby is white does not mean we should change our plans of intentionally making our world less homogenous.
The second day…
Josh says I was smiling even in my sleep. This cautiously optimistic thing is a pain in the @$$. Haha. I had some weird dreams, my friend had a baby and gave it to us, but it withered away overnight to this little like shell of a baby. So my cousin felt bad so she gave us her newly born baby (who in reality is a 3 month old gorgeous biracial girl, and in my dream was a Caucasian redheaded boy with Down’s Syndrome. I took Nyquil before bed is the only explanation. Plus I think “Parenthood” is going to pull in a Down’s Syndrome plot with Kristina’s pregnancy, and I watched that before bed. Do you think they will butcher it as badly as they are the adoption aka “buying a baby” plot?)
SOOOO the first thing I do is text my mom and say LETS GO SHOPPING. I am off today for bereavement cause my Pap died, and yet my Pap knew this was going to happen and was so hopeful for it. So while I am certainly grieving, excitement is taking over. She says “No we can’t go shopping, you have to get pictures for the collage and I have to go to the funeral home, and you also have to work on spackling the nursery so your dad and Josh can paint it.” Boo. I wonder how many of my friends I could convince to go shopping. Nicole is in DC, and Jenn had a c-section on Sunday, and we aren’t telling the rest of our friends just quite yet. At least maybe not until after Cracker Barrel. So I start spackling.
While I am working on the room, I listen to K Love. Every song, every praise, I am lifting up to God. Yes, I know we are being cautiously optimistic. But I still see His hand working- things are happening. We are not sitting on a list, growing in desperation and hopelessness. Even if we go meet H, build a relationship with her, and she changes her mind and keeps the little guy, this is the journey we signed on for, and its progressing.
I know you all think I am a big fat liar at this point. But honestly I prayed to God GUARD MY HEART, please God, Help Me Guard It. And he has. Will I bawl my eyes out if she changes her mind? Of course. Seriously. I cried for three days over my silly cat- you don’t think I would cry over losing a baby?
One thing Josh and I are certain on is that we will not call this Our Baby. Its not. It’s H and S’s baby. We will not put up a countdown and will not talk about “our” due date. I have been given a vehement protective heart for expectant mothers, especially young ones, all my life. That has not changed now- I do not want her to feel pressured, I do not want to take her difficult decision for granted, I do not want to assume anything. Right now H has a plan to have her baby and place it with us. Its her plan, I don’t know how sure she feels about it, what her heart is telling her, etc. I trust the birth parent counselor at our agency. I trust our agency.
Can I tell you the hardest struggle I have right now? I feel GUILTY. I have met some really good friends in this adoption world, both through blogging and through real life groups at church or the agency. One friend from our agency in particular has been so dear to my heart, and their wait has been so much longer than ours. They are not matched. We are unexplainably matched six weeks after our home study. I feel like it should have been them, it should have been their turn. I fear I will lose that friendship, and not get to share in their joy when they DO get matched- because I am praying for it. And someone will pick them- they are an awesome couple.
Want to know something weird? The transracial adoption group we were going to this Saturday was cancelled. I liked this group a lot. But I guess we don’t need to go for now? If this match falls through, we can start up again. Its weird. We were so overly prepared to stand out as an adoptive family, ready for the tough times ahead. This little guy sounds like he will look a lot like a lot of members of our family.
When do I get a baby shower? I already looked at dates.
Afternoon of Day 2
Ok now full fledged doubt is coming through. She is never going to go through with this. That’s my thought. My all consuming though. Thus I am dragging myself out of the house to Bible Study cause CLEARLY I am not so good at the trusting God stuff.
Talked to my brother tonight. He shared that we are honoring God’s call to care for orphans. This baby is in a win-win situation. He is loved either way- either with H, or with us. If she changes her mind, that baby is not an orphan. Not that he will ever spend a second of his life an orphan anyways, because if she does place him with us for adoption, we will be there right away to love him.
Day 3
Shopping with my mom- so yesterday I wandered through Babies R Us, trying to buy something blue, and just couldn’t. I felt like it was so presumptuous of me to assume H will place the baby with us. Today, my mom and I went to tackle the big items- travel system, pack n play, swing/bouncy combo. Well the coupons wouldn’t work until tomorrow- so annoying! They were too good to pass up- $50 gift cards with our purchases, $100 total. So I am going back at like 10am tomorrow because they have just a few left of the ones we want. We did today get Dr. Brown’s gift sets (have lots of extra nipples and brushes) for BOGO and also got a really cool sleepy wrap that almost has like a backboard in it- but made of foam. Its pretty neat! We still did not buy anything blue- everything we got is for A baby, not THIS baby.
Day 6
So we have conquered a bit of shopping- its all still neutral, although trust me I could now walk into Target or Babies R Us or Walmart and in two seconds pick out ten outfits I like because I have examined them so much! I probably have a rep as the “creepy baby store/section creeper lady.” So I was pleased to check out with a Pack N Play and a swing, proving that “YES I will actually buy something some day.” I was delighted when the lady said “Is this off a registry?” And I said “YES! Mine! We are ADOPTING!! And we might need this stuff sooner than we thought.” I can tell a perfect stranger that , but have not told most of our friends. My brothers are telling all their friends in the states they live in- kinda funny, but we don’t know any of those people so I guess its okay.
I emailed our SW a list of questions I had- what to bring to lunch, what to wear, what questions H will ask us, and I threw in this question -”I read that only 60% of ‘matches’ result in a successful placement- is that true?” OHHHHHHHHHHH Why can’t I just give it all up to God and not hang hopes on a statistic? I told SW I am basically convinced at this point that H will not place, that we will be empty handed. This is my new motto:
Prepare my house as if he is coming, prepare my heart as if he is not.
Better safe than sorry.
September 29, 2011- One week and two days after The Call
So my all consuming thought every second of every day is the baby, whom we hope becomes ours. I think about baby E (if she likes the name we prefer), and H., with every breath. Now, you would think this would mean nothing else is getting done in my life, but this is not true. I have had a single-minded determination to wrap up every loose end. Today at work I think my secretary was going to have an aneurism with the amount of paperwork I gave her to fax, scan(e-file), and mail out to parents and agencies. I made my to-do pile -or at least the one made of visible papers- go from about four inches to about a half an inch thick. My e-to-do pile in e-forms and the database are still virtually huge, but I am getting there. Today I came home and all I could do was clean and organize my entire house. I organized the cat toys because while I love having two kittens, I do not love that they need 400 toys to play with or else they want to make me bang my head off of something. They have already removed all the cat toys from the organizing place I put them.
This is preparation for a toddler.
Josh and I just went through a pile of clothes for E, if he becomes ours. I am going to write right now, for these five minute, as if he will for sure become ours. Indulge my hopeful mommy mind. These clothes are leftovers from the yard sale we had to raise money for the adoption. I couldn’t part with them- two bins of girl stuff, two bins of boy stuff. Not all of it is in nice shape,I know a few bags are going to Goodwill here shortly. But now as I hold little overalls, tiny polo shirt onesies, and sleep sacks, I imagine cuddling E, kissing his little face, holding his little hands with those tiny nails. I played with our travel system in the driveway for a half hour last night, assembling the stroller and imagining trips pushing E around- visiting his honorary aunties in DC, visiting my brothers in TN and MN. But more than I imagine wheeling him around, I lovingly touch the Ergo carrier my aunt got me, and imagine him cuddled right up to me. I can’t imagine ever wanting to put him down.
A good friend and a coworker is also due Oct 30th, the same day as H. She is leaving our place of employment with the birth of this baby, her last day is in less than two weeks. This has given me a mix of emotions. First, I will miss her. Second, she is having a boy and I picture him and E being the same age. Third, her body is already preparing for labor, and so I think of H and how hers must be too (H is right now due on the 30th, but there is a good chance doctors will push her due date back until the first or second week of November because of her measurements). Today my coworker shared some of the unpleasant and somewhat gross parts of the end of pregnancy. I joked, “Boy, I really think I got the good deal here.” She laughed and agreed, and I did share that her journey is more physically exhausting whereas mine is more emotionally exhausting. This is a different kind of labor. I also have a TON of guilt because we are all stressed to the max, getting ready to be down one staff. Her leaving added 16 kiddos to my caseload. I frantically every day am trying to get everything sorted out possible, because my coworkers (Who are my dear friends) cannot handle any more. They just can’t. My happiness is tempered by the fact that it will stress them out. Now, I know they have had their babies, and their maternity, but I just took off 7 weeks in the fall of 2010 and 5 weeks in the spring of 2011 for grad school. If this works out, we NEVER thought it would happen this fast. We hoped and dreamed, but did not expect to be matched this fast. I have not told my work yet -not to be deceptive- but because we have not met H yet. If at any place a match fails, it will be when she meets us. She says she loves us, but she’s only seen pictures. How can she love us from pictures? Does God have His hand on her heart, His whisper in her ear? Of what she needs to do for sweet baby boy?
Again, now, the guilt and worry comes back. How can this possibly work out, how can E really become our baby?? Its just not going to happen… Last night we learned at our Beth Moore study about trusting God, about giving things up to Him and not letting doubt creep in. How do I do that? Lord, please heal my heart, restore my trust, give me peace. Let me sleep at night…
First Meeting
Today we met the young woman who might become our son’s birthmother. She is not a “birthmother” yet, and it drives me nuts when people use that term before a woman places her child. Even more when people say “our birthmother.” Because we certainly do not own her, and there is absolutely nothing binding us to one another other than her choice to pursue a relationship with us.
So today, back to the main point, we met with H. Our social worker was there, and also her pregnancy counselor and her grandmother. It was certainly awkward at first, like sitting down to lunch with four strangers always will be. It did quickly become a little more comfortable as we chatted, shared pictures, and found out things we have in common. What amazed me was how much I liked her and her grandmother, I mean genuinely LIKED them- not liked them just because we “should” or liked them just because she’s having a baby and she states her intention is to give him to us. I like them because they are great people. H is funny, intelligent, honest, and caring. She loves things that I love, in particular horses and baby animals (okay, I know everyone probably likes baby animals, but I have a particular fascination and H seemed to “get it.”) She is well-traveled, loves her family, and handled awkward questions like what the hospital setup will be and who will have what responsibilities at the hospital. Her grandmother shared her amazement at the concept of open adoption, and became very emotional over the fact that we were “willing” to do that. I shared my heart with her there, that I cannot see H handing over the baby and then we just walk away. She is his mom, and will always be his mom. If things work out, I will be his mom also. I know that confuses a lot of you, but it will just work out. It does work out, all the time.
H liked our choice of name, and her grandma did also. She said she wanted us to pick out the home-from-the-hospital outfit, and we got some opinions on what she would like. She was pretty laid back about whatever in regards to that. We showed some pictures of the nursery, and also talked about the things we have gotten ready like the car seat and clothing and stuff.
When we were leaving, I wanted to give them both a hug, but wasn’t sure if it would be awkward. I’m a hugger, and it felt awkward to me not to. I guess next time…hopefully there is a next time! We left it undefined if we would talk again before the baby is born. I asked our caseworker about giving her our email address. She was unsure- and I am unsure about how hard would it be for all of us if she had direct access to us and the baby in those first few weeks after birth. I know that sounds harsh, but I am only sharing based on ideas I have heard from parents who have placed their children for adoption and also for adoptive families. The birth parents struggled with wanting distance but also wanting information, and turned to the adoptive families for support instead of their pregnancy counselor. The adoptive families want to be supportive, but are also dealing with the sudden surge of parenthood and all its new responsibilities, and it can be a jumbled mess. We did talk about visits, and things we could do- between our house and her house is a whole lotta open country with not a lot of attractions or things to do!! We will have to be creative, if all goes well.
On the way home, we stopped at a local Carter’s store that was advertising a big sale. We got two home-from-the-hospital outfits. H really loves dogs, so we got one outfit that is a doggy layette. We also got one outfit that’s like a little cardigan and pants with elephants. We got a blanket and mittens and socks that go along to complete the ensemble. We figure H can pick which outfit she likes…
That’s it for now. I still feel very cautiously optimistic, and am still praying for her, her family, and this baby.
October 23, 2011- One week til D-Day (Delivery Day, potentially)
So one week from today is H’s due date. I am still a mixed bag of emotions. Excited, dreading being hurt, confused as to why I can’t just feel excited, contemplative. I had a dream last night about choosing to leave a daughter in an adoptive situation (see post about it on 10/23/2011) Today, I felt all day like this will work out. Tonight, I again am convinced that it will not. One little word, one little thought, and my rollercoaster can go from up to down in two seconds flat. I told my mom tonight I just want to avoid people who know about our match, in general. I know they mean NOTHING BUT HAPPINESS for us when they say “Yay!! You are getting a baby!!”
But the truth is they would be more supportive to me if they said “Yay! You are matched and might get a baby, we will pray for you…” I am not asking them to be Negative Nellies, and the truth is I won’t say a word to them one way or the other. And many people are saying they are praying for us, and those knowledgeable about adoption are being super-supportive. But to have everyone be so sure this will work out? I feel like its removing H from the picture. I feel like its normalizing and simplifying the tough time she is going through right now. WE will be okay if this doesn’t work out- we will hurt and cry and yell (to God, not at H). But if this does work out, and we get baby E, I worry about H. Will she regret it? Will she always have an ache, but feel she made the right choice anyways?
A few people who are very close to me don’t think its healthy for me to be so focused on H rather than the baby. I think though, I am emotionally and physically totally ready to parent. So that’s a done deal in my head, if she gives us baby E I am good to go in that aspect. I am excited, I have stuff for him, work is set up, leave time is set up. Its the openness, the awareness of her, that I am still processing. I am thrilled for the openness, its what I have wanted from the beginning. We have only had the one meeting, and then the update from the counselor that she is still doing well, still confident in her decision. I want more….more openness. I want to call her up and check on her, tell her she is in our prayers, and in the prayers of a dozen people she has never met. I know I have to wait and see how God shapes this relationship if it gets to continue.
One other little thing I’ve been struggling with is that its a week from her due date and she hasn’t had him yet! I work a lot with preemies, most of my friends have gone early, I never thought we would get this far. A lot of babies on my caseload were born between 25-30 weeks, many more in the 30-37 week range. She’s 39 weeks. Come on baby, get outta there so we know one way or another.
I am also struggling with the 30 days to terminate rights. Because on the one hand I think it absolutely should exist in every state, because I don’t think a woman is clear-headed enough to make an accurate decision three days after birth. From my perspective though, I am worried that those 30 days will be so tough, that I will feel like a babysitter. Its selfish, I know. H deserves those 30 days to be sure of her decision. I just pray to God for peace during them….
October 26, 2011
Today is one year since we had our first meeting with Bethany Christian Services. That wait was not so long….but THIS wait, this wait to find out if we will get to love and raise and hold this baby or not, feels like it is going to swallow me whole. This five weeks has felt longer than the 52 weeks combined. I can’t focus, I can’t breathe, I can’t read, sleep. I can eat, unfortunately, mostly things that are bad for me and are stress eating. I’ve clenched my teeth so hard in my sleep that I have fractured a root canal-ed tooth straight down to the jaw, so I need to pay out of pocket to have that fixed. Work is stressful as well being down one staff and having more kids on my caseload than I should, so I guess there is more stress than just this…
Still, its nuts. I thought I could NEVER wait a year since we started this process. Granted, we really halted the process in the spring so I could finish grad school, and picked it up again in May. But this little wait, this wait for at most 10 more days, is seriously wrecking me right now. She is due Sunday. They said they would let her go to 41 weeks before inducing…you figure from the time pitocin is administered, it could still be another 2 days at most. So at most you are looking at next Tuesday for baby boy to be born. Then you are looking at a few days for us to see if we can bring him home, and 4 weeks til we find out if we will be able to move forward with finalizing our adoption. While I know people who aren’t matched probably hate me for whining about being matched, this is HARD STUFF. A child’s life and future is balanced on a scale, and we are not sure if we are going to be elated or devastated….
October 27, 2011
Found out last night that they are going to induce H. on Sunday at 4pm. Today is Thursday. Hole. E. Cow. I am excited, worried for her cause I heard that pitocin makes labor really tough. Right now our plan is go drive to the city where the hospital is (about 1.5 hours) and get a hotel so we are nearby. The hospital is REALLY tiny, so until she sees how she feels about labor and if she still wants us there, we will have a home base. I guess she is sort of on the fence if she wants us at the hospital or not, our SW says this is common and we need to be flexible. I am being, and am praying for strength, when its all up in the air. Everyone around us who knows is still all “You’re getting a baby, you’re going to be a mom, etc” and I KNOW they are being excited, and hopeful, and positive, but its so hard for me for them to be so sure. I don’t know why…because I don’t want them to assume they know what decision H. should make, and I hate when people think she would be “crazy” not to place her kid with us. Doesn’t it strike anyone as “crazy” that a woman who has met us once is contemplating letting us raise her child? (No, I am not implying that I think she is crazy- I am trying to highlight the implausibility of the situation and the unknown, and the faith it takes all around, with either decision, in this situation and how tough it is).
Today my mom took me to get a mani/pedi and dinner and a few last minute things at WalMart. It was a nice distracting evening. I got a call from SW while in the pedicure chair, and it was just a nice phone voicemail saying everything is still status quo at this point. Now I am home alone because Josh is out with my brother and dad celebrating one of his last “carefree” nights- everyone is able to be so sure except me! I don’t know if this is me doubting God, or if this is God giving me perspective on this situation to really realize the enormity and uncertainty of what H. is going through….Lord, which is it? Lack of faith, or listening to Your heart?
I got an email from work today that my missing expense check for $300 (missing since August) will be mailed Friday and will come Tuesday or Wednesday most likely. How funny- It would have become a regular part of bills and eating out and life in general if it came in August- now it will come on what is likely the first day we will have a baby home, where it can be budged wisely and stretched out. God has his hand in everything….
October 29, 2011
Today, my good friend/coworker gave birth to her son…congrats to her and her new family of four! Its funny, when she first found out she was pregnant she was a little hesitant to tell me…I was thrilled for her. I did have other feelings- jealousy is not the right word, because I feel like jealousy is envying something someone else has and wishing it was yours, and thats not really what I felt. I felt like I wanted to share it with her, be on the same time line, have our kids play together…and our journey seemed so long stretching ahead of us at that point. She found out she was pregnant right after I had received test results and a referral to an IVF doctor, and after we had made the decision to just walk forward on the adoption path God was making so clear for us.
Now here we are, and they are inducing H. tomorrow. If this works out, we will have baby boys two days apart…craziness…We still don’t know the outcome, and that is killing me. Yet I know my pain and confusion is probably 1/10th of what H. is experiencing. I need to keep my eyes and my heart on that…. A woman who writes a blog I read just went and met their potential adoptive son on Wednesday….hearing her describe the pain mingled with joy is preparing me…our caseworker has also prepped us for tears…she said H is very nervous about the delivery, but “perks up” when she talks about us…that gives me hope…
PS my mom’s friends got me a Vera Bradley baby bag- perfect size for daily jaunts and trips to church, and SO SO much cuter than the giant mom-ish one I bought at Marshall’s (which is more like a weekend tote now that I think about it haha) Super excited to use it, and its even my favorite pattern- not sure how they knew??
December 11, 2011
I couldn’t bring myself to write during our thirty day legal risk period. Aside from the demands of a newborn and the extreme tiredness, I just didn’t feel ready. Ready to share his story, our story, H’s story that we were all a part of…I wanted to keep it for us, and for E. Some parts I still will keep for him, because while I have chosen to share his adoption story, I did not chose to share every detail of his life with the web…
So, back to his birth day We were chilling in the hotel, the SW said that they weren’t actually administering pitocin til the next morning. So we made plans to meet for breakfast and head over to the hospital. At 11:50pm, we got a call that H was ready to push. Introduce the quickest scramble to get dressed and in the car…we made it to the hospital and settled into the waiting room with some of H’s extended family. I was worried this would be awkward or that they would be hostile to us, but they seemed on board with her decision and we were able to chat about the baby and other things…the SW was getting texts from a family member in the delivery room. About a half hour after we got to the hospital, we got a text that he had been born and we could come back once they had things cleaned up! Supposedly at this point I texted my mom and said “He’s here, we haven’t met him yet but he’s okay”. I don’t even remember sending this…haha.
An ETERNITY later (I think it was about twenty minutes) the nurse came out to take us to the delivery room…this was a small hospital, and they don’t move people after delivery, they just clean up the room and that’s where they stay til discharge. As we stood in the hallway and watched nurses wheel out the remnants of delivery in clear garbage bags…I started to feel so bad at this point, here we are so excited and I had already forgotten that H had just gone through something really painful and traumatic. At that point they invited us in. I was so torn between wanting to make sure that H was okay and wanting to see the baby, my head was spinning back and forth between the warmer and her…her grandma saw my hesitation and said “We know you want to see the baby, its okay..” One nurse told us not to touch the baby because he wasn’t “clean.” She then walked out of the room. You all know I listened to her, right? Haha! I just walked over and Josh and I stared at this perfect little boy…I mean even being objective, I expected him to be kinda squished since she’s so tiny and he was 7 1/2 lbs. But he was really just perfect. I scooped up the little blanket bundle and just smiled at Josh, at H, and her grandma. He was sleeping with his mouth kind of open and making little breathing noises…instant love. I don’t know if I instantly felt like his mom, I just knew instantly that his well-being was so important to me. I passed him to Josh and we fussed over him and took some pictures. I walked over with him and at that point was able to check on H. She wanted us to take him for his bath, she was very tired and said we could visit in the morning.
We got to do his first bath, feed him, dress him, and settle into the hospital room next to H for the 36 hours he was in the hospital. My mom came up to visit and be with me so Josh could get some sleep at the hotel (we needed him to be rested for our 1.5 hour drive home, after being up all night Monday). My dad and brother stopped in as well, and we called my other brother in Tennessee. Our SW came up, and H’s SW was there as well. She shared that H and her grandma wanted to see him that afternoon without us, and then visit with us in the evening. I was nervous for him to see him, I’ll admit, because I was already head over heels in love. I reminded myself God is sovereign in all this and that from the beginning its been on my heart to respect a birth parent’s rights, no matter how hard it is for us…they had a short visit, a half hour, and then he was brought back in with us. I felt relieved, and also anxious to see H and gauge how she was feeling. We had dinner, spent some cuddle time with E, and then went over to visit that evening. Her SW and a family friend were there, and she requested my mom come over to visit as well. I held E and stood by her head of the bed and we were able to chat about his future, her future, how perfect he is (there’s three people on this earth who think he is the most beautiful baby they have ever seen- me, her, and my husband- that’s a neat feeling ) We had a short visit and discussed that we would be discharged together in the morning.
We had a rough second night, I was going on 48 hours of no sleep but was adamantly refusing to let them take E from our room to sleep in the nursery. In our room though, he was not wanting to sleep…our favorite nurse finally promised that she would stay right by him, cuddle him, and bring him back within 3-4 hours after I got a nap. She convinced me that I needed to be functional for the baby, so I let her. It was hard, but he was brought back in the morning and all was right in my world again. After a visit with the pediatrician, we were ready for discharge. We sat signing all the paperwork with our social worker about his placement, the legal risk, guardianship, etc. At this point is actually the first time I cried, realizing we were leaving with him. We learned at this point that H had left before us and hadn’t felt like she wanted to say goodbye that morning. That confused me, but I didn’t think much about it in the whirlwind of getting ready to leave. I was prepared for this emotional goodbye, had steeled myself for it, and here we were just walking out on our own. We got settled into the car and hit the road. Once we got in the car, and were listening to worship music, we both started crying with the emotions of it….we arrived home and showed E around his new home. Some family came over to see him, and we began to settle into a routine. That was Tuesday.
On Thursday, we got a call from our SW that H was not ready to sign consents, and felt that she hadn’t really taken time to say goodbye. My hearing became fuzzy at that point, I heard her say things like “considering what parenting involves, still doesn’t think she can do it,” things like that. What sunk in to my ears was that she was still considering parenting. We agreed to go to her house the next day for a visit and leave him there for an hour…my heart was literally hurting. This was what God had prepared me for, to be respectful of her rights and feelings, but that doesn’t make it easier. My parents came over and we prayed for the situation. For our hearts and for peace, for H to have clarity over her decision. We didn’t feel right praying for E to stay with us- God was working on the bigger picture and we didn’t know how we would be a part of that. We prayed for clarity, for keeping E’s best interests at heart, and for our own emotional stress.
E’s first doctors appointment, something I was excited about, was overshadowed by us getting in the car afterwards to go visit H. We stopped at my parent’s restaurant for some love and support and hit the road. Arriving at her grandma’s house with our SW, I was so nervous. I do have to say though that walking in and seeing her be pleasant and excited to see us eased my fears a little. We visited shortly, then left and drove around aimlessly for an hour while they visited with E. That was hard to leave him there, so hard…I just missed him with a physical ache. We got the text to return to the home, and a huge wave of relief washed over me. We visited for a little more, discussed our next visit, the fact that H would sign consents the next day, and H also verbalized that she wanted us to be his parents. This was the difficult emotional experience God had prepared me for, that I was expecting at the hospital and which didn’t happen there…it was difficult to see how much she loved him, staring at his beautiful little face, and see her still hand him to me…that is love. She loved him selflessly enough to go through grief and loss for his well-being. God’s hand has to be in it, there’s no other reason that this can work…Her SW prayed over the whole situation, and then we hit the road. After no sleep, the doctors appointment, the 1.5 hour drive each way to birth mom’s house, we were EXHAUSTED. We had to stop for coffee and perk up to make sure we were safe to drive…it was literally one of the most stressful and emotionally taxing day of my life.
The 30 day legal risk period was full of good days and bad days for me, days of extreme anxiety and days where I forgot that one phone call could have E taken from my arms. The last week of the 30 days was the absolute worst anxiety. Reading psalms, begging God to ease my anxiety, taking baths, keeping busy, being “babysat” by my family because when I was alone is when I began to google all kinds of things about adoption that made me even more anxious. When midnight passed on that 30th day (Monday December 5th) my family celebrated. I did too, but what I did not expect to feel was my excitement mingled with sadness for H. Its like I wish both things could be true- that I could have E, and she could have him too. That I could be happy and a momma, and she could not have this loss…My anxiety was not immediately over, but dissipated over the next few days at we settled into a routine after the legal risk period. I have had many people say to me that there shouldn’t be 30 days, that we should have went to another state where the birth parents have 24 hours or 72 hours to make a decision…while that would have been easier on me, and the selfish part of me would have loved that, I don’t think that’s fair. I don’t think its fair to ask someone to make such a huge decision just three days after childbirth…I think H deserved those 30 days as heart-wrenching as they were for me. (Also, birth dad did get 30 days as well. He is not in the area and not really involved at this point, but fathers also get 30 days in the state of PA. We hope to develop a relationship with him in the future, but who knows?) I think that more states should follow in PA’s footsteps and give birth parents 30 days, or even two weeks, to feel firm in their decision.
So where do we go from here? Well, our next visit with H is next weekend, we are going to a Christmas even halfway between our homes. My husband and I are beyond excited to begin to develop this relationship after the stress of the 30 days is over…we are excited to watch E grow and develop, watch our open adoption develop as well. We still have months before our adoption will be finalized- home visits, filing of paperwork, etc. There are moments when anxiety hits me that something will screw that process up, but I know our agency is solid and their documentation flawless, so I think this is really unfounded anxiety and I just pray and try to relax when it crops up. I have become involved in a great new mom group that has been so helpful, and our infertility/adoption group at church continues to be a blessing.
I can’t even begin to tell you how much we love E. I love snuggling him, I love giving him a bottle at 3am and hearing his happy noises. I love that because we followed the agency’s suggestion of having no one else feed/change/comfort him for a month, he is super-attached to us. When he hears our voices or we walk into a room, he is comforted. For six weeks old, many people are surprised to see this reaction in him, but actually studies have shown babies as young as two weeks can recognize their parents by scent alone. I love his smiles that are starting now, I love the dimension that being parents has added to my marriage. The joy he has brought to our life…its truly God’s work.
There is a reason that we were matched with H, I am not sure what the future looks like or what relationship will develop. I hope it develops into a healthy relationship that puts the child above all else. But taking into account we were prepared to wait a year or more, we were open to any race, up to a year old, some special needs, to some foster-to-adopt situations we were presented with, etc…it just was so unlikely we were matched with H. Do you know how many families at our agency have been waiting for years for a healthy caucasian infant straight from the delivery room? Now, don’t take my meaning wrong- its NOT like this is what we “really” wanted and were willing to “settle” for the other scenarios. This has been implied to me, and its hurtful to me…We really, truly, did not care and just wanted to raise whatever baby God brought us to raise. We trusted His sovereignty in that. What I am highlighting is that to be matched with H six weeks after our homestudy was done, out of dozens and dozens of families, is because God has a purpose for us being in each other’s lives, and for E being here in our arms.
When we look back at the timeline, it amazes us… In January, Josh and I were fasting…I was trying to focus my heart on God and what he wanted us to do on our journey towards a family. We turned fully towards adoption at that point, we had already started the paperwork but there was still lingering confusion and questions. The end of that fast coincides with when E was conceived, when God knit him together in H’s womb…
In March, I went to a women’s retreat. At that retreat, two of the girls in my Bible Study group told us they were pregnant. I was excited for them, and we were already pushing through adoption paperwork. Yet I won’t lie, it also hurt my heart to know their kids would likely be walking, talking, and running before I was a mom. Little did I know that this time period in March was when H found out she was pregnant and began considering adoption.
Last week, I went with E to visit the two friends who told me they were pregnant in March at that retreat. We lined up our three babies in a row- born within a three week span. E is smack in the middle of the other two, 10 days younger than the first born and 12 days older than the third born. That picture is one I will treasure as a testament to what God was working on before I even knew it. Our children will walk, talk, and run together, growing up in the children’s ministry at our church. When I was in my desperation, God was already forming my son’s face, his heart, his teeny little toes which I love so much. God saw this picture, saw this playdate. He never forgot the desires of my heart, and his plan is so much more than I can imagine. I have had people since E was born ask if I have any regrets that I did not get pregnant. NO. Because if I did, E would not be my son, he would not be here with us.
For those friends still on the journey, and there are many…friends at my church, friends we have met through our agency, friends through the online adoption and infertility community…Our paths will all look different, because our God is not one of cookie-cutter designs and plans. Every day you are not parents is because it has not been intended yet. And one day it will all seem so clear…you are in my continued prayers.
I’m about to go snuggle my little dude right now…I hope you continue to follow our journey. I apologize for our six weeks of silence as we adjusted and formed how we would share our story, and moved past our legal risk. We appreciate continued prayers for a smooth and stress-free finalization. I will continue to update…this blog is not just about E, its about our journey to fill our nest. And as we navigate visits with H, our hopeful relationship with birth dad or possibly his extended family, and our EVENTUAL (read: way in the future) journey towards our next little ones, I will do my best to honest and transparent to whatever point I feel is comfortable and right for my family.
In Him,
Meg
Throughout this journey, I have had the fear that adoption will never work out for us…I shared a little of that in my post yesterday. I have a fear that even if an expectant mom totally loves us, she will change her mind as soon as she sees her child. I picture this happening over and over again, match after match. I have had nightmares about this, about us ten years down the road with ten failed matches and just giving up on the whole thing. My most overwhelming feeling is trying to wrap my head around how she will have the strength to place a baby with us- to see the baby, love the baby, and have the emotional resolve to let us raise that child. It just seems like it will be too hard, yet I know strong women do it every day….I keep trying to run through the scenario, if I were in her shoes. But its difficult for me to put myself in that place because I have not been there, its not something easily imaginable. I know I have been through time periods in my life when I would not have felt able to care for a child, but I still don’t know what I would have been able to do in her shoes. I was never faced with that situation, and so I wrestle with it.
I have been praying for God to peace about this and for understanding. I am not sure if God speaks to us through dreams- I see it in the Old Testament, but people don’t talk about it much nowadays…
Last night I had a dream. It was a vivid, lucid dream where I felt in control of my actions. It didn’t jump around like most of my dreams, and I remembered every second of it when I woke up. In my dream, I was meeting a little girl, my daughter, who I had apparantly given for adoption/had placed in foster care about 5 or 6 years ago (she was about that age). In the dream, this was the first time I was getting visits with her since she was born. I am not sure of the events surrounding this, but I felt so excited and emotional in my dream when I saw her. We spent a day together. We rode my horse, went to a pumpkin patch, and I introduced her to some of my family and friends. I felt elated and emotional through the whole visit. She looked just like me at that age. At the end of the visit, I was spending some time with her and her foster/adoptive mom. She was a wonderful woman, kind and caring, and I felt I totally trusted her. It was so clear she loved her little girl-my little girl. It must have been foster mom, because I was very aware of the fact that I had a choice at this point in the dream to take her back and parent her, or let her stay with the only mom she had known for her whole life. I felt sooooo emotional, wrestling with this decision. I made the decision to leave her with the woman she called “Mommy,” with the woman who loved her as much as I did. I established visits with her and her mother, and looked forward to the next one. That was the end of the dream, watching them get in a car and drive away. I woke up with tears and my eyes and a weight in my chest, but realized I had been given a glimpse of what it might be like to put your child’s well-being ahead of your own. Sure, the person I was in the dream could have cared for her, certainly loved her, and desperately just wanted to be in her presence. But I realized, very vividly for a dream, what a selfless decision was like.
I am not sure if God gave me this dream to help me understand a small, SMALL fraction of what a mother goes through making an adoption plan for her child, or if its just the creation of my stressed and emotional imagination. Either way, I feel more understanding and empathetic. I feel like I sort of “get it” and don’t have this huge overwhelming fear that we will never ever get a baby…My belief is that this IS from God, and I thank Him wholeheartedly for the small bit of peace in my heart.
To update the crying situation, I was very proud of myself today for making it through all of worship and the sermon without crying (we will ignore the fact that I bawled my eyes through two hours of DVR’d Extreme Makeover Home Edition yesterday). At the end, when our pastor was wrapping up with a prayer, I saw two members of the worship team come back onto the stage. Thinking of what the sermon was about, all I thought is “Lord, please don’t let them sing Blessings by Laura Story. I will LOSE IT.” I don’t know why I thought this, we haven’t ever sang this song in church or had it performed. But that was my thought… Well, the first two notes played, and thats what it was. I did cry, a lot, but held it together…the saga continues, will I ever make it through church without tears??? That song is so beautiful though, and has often spoke to me throughout our entire journey:
What if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights is what it takes to know You’re near?
What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?
In Him,
Meg
Open Adoption Roundtable # 31 Please go to www.productionnotreproduction.com to read more responses to this prompt…
“Write about Open Adoption and Being Scared”
Well, this is an easy one…this whole process is scary. There is a little bit of fear (or maybe anxiety), every day, in my heart. I would not say it is all related to the “openness” of adoption…some fears like “we won’t pass our home study” or “ I won’t ever be able to wait patiently” are related to adoption in general…Obviously we passed our home study (three months ago next week!) And I have been able to wait semi-patiently on this journey….
Next Wednesday, October 26, marks one year since we first met with our adoption agency and began this process. Most people do not take seven months from first meeting to beginning home study. We had to wait until I was done with graduate school to begin that…so while our “wait” from home study approval might seem short to others, trust me it feels very long to me! I feared that every day would be filled with trepidation, with a sense of dread/anticipation. Dread, I am not sure why- but its more like that nervous feeling before a test. I worried that every day we put off our home study was the day we would miss out on an expectant mother viewing our profile, miss out on a baby that should have been ours. It took a lot of work on my heart by God to help me realize that His timing is perfect, and He has much more control over the situation than that. Since we have been approved, its a general fear/anxiety of the unknown- when is the day we will become parents?Through prayer and distraction, I thankfully have not felt like this EVERY day…maybe one or two days per week are particularly tough, or when I see a kid at work treated terribly. Those days are hard. I try to appreciate the days of just the two of us, take them as a gift, because each day we do not have a baby is a day God intended for Josh and I to have “just the two of us.”
In regards to open adoption, I have fear about being at the hospital when a mother hands her baby to us. I have an intense fear that I will not be able to handle her grief, that I will be so overwhelmed by it that it will just surround me. I know that I need to give this up to God, ask Him for strength for her and for myself. I have a fear that people will question my connection to my child, say things like “Oh you wouldn’t understand because you didn’t carry them in your belly.” I fear they will question the legitimacy of my role as a parent. I don’t question my actual legitimacy or my actual connection- I know I will feel like a mom and intensely love that baby right away, in fact already love our future baby. I question people’s opinion of it. I am not sure why I care what they think, actually, but I do. I think that by them questioning it, I am worried that will affect my child and the security they feel in our parent-child relationship. But when I think of the general future of open adoption, think of the child who will become ours and their first family, I honestly do not have much fear. I don’t feel threatened by our child having another mom and dad. I don’t feel scared that they will be confused as to who their parents are. I am not scared they will be “kidnapped” by the birth family, or any of the random things like that which people ask us about. I think that when something- like having a birth mom/dad and adoptive mom/dad- is made a part of a a child’s life from day one, its the normal thing for them.
Kids are resilient and adaptable, when we are honest with them and let them process their feelings. I hope to continue to not have fear about this open relationship. Many people, when speaking about our adoption journey, express fear on our behalf about an open relationship with birth parents. I reassure them that we do not have these same fears, because we really believe God is calling us to open adoption, and so will guide and protect the relationship between us, our child, and their first parents.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God
~Phillipians 4:6
In Him,
Meg
For the last two weeks, I have sobbed my way through worship at church. For the last week, I have burst into tears over any song on the radio about trusting God (on K-love) or any song on country music about kids (about 1/3 of the songs). In church in particular, I get so overwhelmed with God’s workmanship, however this journey works itself out. I think about expectant mothers, I think about loving a child and sharing the story of their birth and adoption, I think about the baby clothes and the visits with their first family, and I get so overwhelmed with emotion. This weekend, we were singing a song that said:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
Your love never fails…
You make all things work together for my good…
~Jesus Culture
I lost it- I mean LOST IT SOBBING like a crazy person- people around me probably thought someone close to me had died. People who know we are adopting thought something really bad happened on our adoption journey. How to explain to them that I am just overwhelmed with God’s goodness in it all? Yes, He doesn’t promise us a baby. He promises us more- salvation, love, wholeness when we rest in Him and do not make false idols. I know that infertility and adoption can make a false idol out of parenthood. It can get me thinking that my life will ONLY be whole with a child. My last post started heading down that path. This weekend, God corrected my heart. He is working ALL things together for my good- this journey, the expectant parents we hear about and talk to, the lives we come into contact with. His love never fails us, and if this entire process fails us, His love is still enough…
At the same time that He is reminding me to not make an idol out of this journey, He is also still showing us His heart and desire for us to take this path. Those things can co-exist, God’s removal of idols while still leading us down this adoption path. After all, an idol is anything that gets in the way of our relationship with God, anything that we begin to make more important than our relationship with Jesus Christ. Right now, I am excited about adoption but more excited about my deepening relationship with Christ as I learn to trust Him with the big scary unknown.
My husband and I participated in a fast from the Book of Daniel in January to get our hearts in tune to God’s calling on this journey to start a family. Since we finished that fast, I have seen Him revealing His will and desire for us ever so clearly. Doors have been closed- the door to a child by birth at this time in our lives. The door to international adoption at this time in our lives (But I think not forever… I keep telling Josh I have this feeling our next baby is going to be an Ethiopian princess). Door after door- but none of them really hurt or scare me when they close. Its more like I am in a long hallway, with all these doors, and He closes one after another until the right door is just THERE, just waiting for us, with the feeling of right-ness that comes from knowing God has made his calling very clear.
Just today, I opened the mailbox to a check from our church family (money friends had raised for us). I teared up instantly (again, here I go with the uncontrollable crying)…
With this check, this means that we have paid for nearly half of the adoption expenses without a loan. That is AMAZING. We NEVER thought that would happen, never thought our friends would be so fired up and excited for this process right along side of us. This baby is so loved and so anticipating and surrounded with prayer, it warms my soul…
The second verse of the song above says:
The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I’d reach the other side
But Your love never fails
This is how we are going to feel a few months from now, maybe a year from now, some unknown amount of time from now, when we have our little one. The chasm feels SO WIDE right now, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that a woman will have the strength and selflessness to place her baby with us. But God is working all things together for our good, for a child’s good, for his or her birth parent’s good. Our pastor talked this weekend about things we see as chance or mistakes- he used an example of one small thing that changed the outcome of World War II, and proposed that what we see as a mistake or lucky break was part of God’s plan to redeem that horrible situation. I found comfort in that, on a smaller scale, that all these steps and this roller coaster of emotion have an ultimate end beautifully written by the Creator exactly as it is supposed to be.
And, of course, no more mascara in church, maybe not any other times for a while, til I can get these emotions in check 
In Him,
Meg
Over the past few weeks, I have been finishing up the last “touches” on our nursery. The room is painted and bare-bones done, as in clean and functional but lacking decorative flair.
With our agency being so active, its better to be ready…I will never consider a situation as “ours” until a baby is in our home, because I do not want to take away from an expectant mother’s right to choose, change her mind, wrestle with her decision. Regardless, having things ready and shopping has gradually raised my excitement level. I was going through some baby clothes the other night- a combo of donations, some things we bought new, and some really nice things found at second-hand stores. They were freshly-washed with that wonderful Dreft baby smell. Josh walked in, and I was smelling a tiny hat while balling tiny socks. He kind of looked at me funny…He said something about how I had a look on my face like I had finally found my life’s purpose.
I smile as I think about this. Not that I want my entire identity to be wrapped up in motherhood, but I see what he is getting at. Folding and smelling those little things, picturing the little one who will wear them, I felt like I was heading on my road to completeness. Even though I work with infants and toddlers all day long, I have a hard time imagining a little one THIS small in our home. Socks that fit my thumb. Leggings with a six-inch inseam. All made to fit a little one who will seem so small at first, and then will grow faster than we want him or her to! Picturing raising this child, my heart does feel whole. As modern-day women, I don’t know that we are supposed to say that we could be so fulfilled by motherhood…at least sometimes thats the impression I get. Yet could I be? I loved school, loved grad school, LOVE my job (maybe not all the bureaucracy of working for a government agency, but I do love my coworkers and of course playing with babies all day long). But I am not sure any of this has given me the same sense of purpose as this adoption journey has. And this is before we even have a baby!
Its been interesting to me to see our adoption journey parallel several good friends’ pregnancies. There are parts that are similar- the expectation, the preparation, anxiety about the unknown. Some friends are going to be parents for the first time, some are contemplating what it will be like to raise two children at once. There are the parts that are different- our consideration of a third party, the expectant parents. Our need for “approval” by legal documents. The many indeterminate parts of our journey. We may be approved but not matched, matched but not have TPR signed, TPR signed but adoption not finalized.
God has been showing me so much that this is His journey. Last night in our Bible study, one of the quotes was “God is strong-willed, not strong-whimmed.” A little odd in its phrasing, but the point being that God has a will. He bends things to His will. He does not do things on a whim. Anything that is happening on our journey, any expectant parent we hear about or talk with, none of that is God acting on a whim. Its all about the longer journey. We are not sure how the pieces will fit together, but He already is…
