Over the past few weeks, I have been finishing up the last “touches” on our nursery. The room is painted and bare-bones done, as in clean and functional but lacking decorative flair.
With our agency being so active, its better to be ready…I will never consider a situation as “ours” until a baby is in our home, because I do not want to take away from an expectant mother’s right to choose, change her mind, wrestle with her decision. Regardless, having things ready and shopping has gradually raised my excitement level. I was going through some baby clothes the other night- a combo of donations, some things we bought new, and some really nice things found at second-hand stores. They were freshly-washed with that wonderful Dreft baby smell. Josh walked in, and I was smelling a tiny hat while balling tiny socks. He kind of looked at me funny…He said something about how I had a look on my face like I had finally found my life’s purpose.
I smile as I think about this. Not that I want my entire identity to be wrapped up in motherhood, but I see what he is getting at. Folding and smelling those little things, picturing the little one who will wear them, I felt like I was heading on my road to completeness. Even though I work with infants and toddlers all day long, I have a hard time imagining a little one THIS small in our home. Socks that fit my thumb. Leggings with a six-inch inseam. All made to fit a little one who will seem so small at first, and then will grow faster than we want him or her to! Picturing raising this child, my heart does feel whole. As modern-day women, I don’t know that we are supposed to say that we could be so fulfilled by motherhood…at least sometimes thats the impression I get. Yet could I be? I loved school, loved grad school, LOVE my job (maybe not all the bureaucracy of working for a government agency, but I do love my coworkers and of course playing with babies all day long). But I am not sure any of this has given me the same sense of purpose as this adoption journey has. And this is before we even have a baby!
Its been interesting to me to see our adoption journey parallel several good friends’ pregnancies. There are parts that are similar- the expectation, the preparation, anxiety about the unknown. Some friends are going to be parents for the first time, some are contemplating what it will be like to raise two children at once. There are the parts that are different- our consideration of a third party, the expectant parents. Our need for “approval” by legal documents. The many indeterminate parts of our journey. We may be approved but not matched, matched but not have TPR signed, TPR signed but adoption not finalized.
God has been showing me so much that this is His journey. Last night in our Bible study, one of the quotes was “God is strong-willed, not strong-whimmed.” A little odd in its phrasing, but the point being that God has a will. He bends things to His will. He does not do things on a whim. Anything that is happening on our journey, any expectant parent we hear about or talk with, none of that is God acting on a whim. Its all about the longer journey. We are not sure how the pieces will fit together, but He already is…